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Posted by: Deviant Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List
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Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 12:32 pm
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Location: Cleveland, OH USA
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Drugs Now Legal If User Is Employed

WASHINGTON, DC祐eeking to "narrow the focus of the drug war to the true enemy," Congress passed a bill legalizing drug use for the gainfully employed Monday.

The Drug War
"Stockbrokers, lawyers, English professors... you're not the problem here," said DEA Administrator Asa Hutchinson at a White House press conference. "If you are paying taxes and keeping your yard tidy, we're not going to hassle you if you come home from a hard day of work and want to enjoy a little pot or blow. But if, on the other hand, you're one of these lazy, shiftless types hanging out on the street all day looking for your next high, we're coming after you."

The new law, which goes into effect May 1, will enable police departments and courts to focus on what Hutchinson called "the real drug offenders."

"There's no point going after some cardiac surgeon who needs some speed to keep him sharp," Hutchinson said. "That's not what the law was intended to prevent. But the more destructive drug users葉he addict who spends his welfare money on crack, the guy in Harlem who smokes marijuana葉hat is something that we as a society must not tolerate."



According to Drug Czar John P. Walters, the legislation should have a beneficial effect on the health of the American people.

"As a result of this new law, we expect use of addictive, harmful drugs like heroin and crack葉hose statistically more likely to be linked to unemployment葉o drop," Walters said. "Meanwhile, decent people with good jobs can continue their responsible use of milder drugs like E and cocaine in peace."

Walters said the new legislation will make it significantly easier to fight the drug war. The nation's courts will not be clogged with cases involving club kids caught with "Vitamin K" or doctors prescribing Vicodin to rich housewives. More money can be freed up to build prisons to keep chronically unemployed addicts in jail and off the streets葉he only statistically proven method of improving an addict's chance of recovery.

"Clearly, a lot of people doing drugs simply cannot handle them," Walters said. "We've got to get the drugs out of the hands of these people, and give them back to the weekend user."

The law, Hutchinson noted, will also help protect the nation's poor and unemployed, who are not as equipped to handle the effects of drug addiction as their more affluent counterparts.

"Drugs are addictive, and that's true whether you're a ghetto gang member or a Harvard-educated entertainment lawyer," Hutchinson said. "But the cold, hard truth is, if the ghetto kid gets hooked, he isn't going to clean up in a rehab clinic in Palm Springs and maybe even become president, now, is he? That's why we need to protect the less fortunate among us with the threat of arrest and incarceration."

The U.S. economy also stands to benefit. Initial surveys indicate that the threat of jail will motivate recreational drug users to seek employment, reducing the nation's welfare rolls.

"Legal weed versus jail?" asked Cory Everly, 23, an unemployed Austin, TX, singer-songwriter. "I am so totally going down to the sub shop today to ask Rudy for my job back."

Added Everly: "Rudy's my boss... at the sub shop."

"The new American motto is 'Work Hard, Play Hard,'" Hutchinson said. "Do a few bumps of coke at your gay friend's party. Go to your be-in or your Lollapalooza rave or whatever it's called this year. But you'd better make it in to work on Monday, buddy, or you're going to jail."

"Sorry if some of my comments have been a bit rambling and unfocused," Hutchinson added. "I'm a little high right now."

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Posted by: Tymezup Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List
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Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 12:39 pm
Joined: 01 Feb 2004  Posts: 5295
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Location: Cleveland, OH
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that has to be an onion article!


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Posted by: Jamie Tyler Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List
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Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 12:48 pm
Joined: 10 Feb 2004  Posts: 4477
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Location: sagamore hills
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Doug Burkhart wrote:
that has to be an onion article!


That's precisely what I was going to say.


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Posted by: >infraction< Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List
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Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 12:48 pm
Joined: 01 May 2005  Posts: 471
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Location: apparently not Abbasso
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ha

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No compassion. Fear. Denial. Running from reality.

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Posted by: Jamie Tyler Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List
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Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 2:56 pm
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yup. the onion. from 2002.

here


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Posted by: Derek Carney Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:41 am
Joined: 11 Nov 2004  Posts: 5825
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Location: Oakland, California
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Shit... and I just applied to be a cardiac surgeon. Fuck! Damn you to hell, bubble bursters.

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Posted by: bac Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 10:23 am
Joined: 20 May 2004  Posts: 168
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Location: Lakewood
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Hilarious

"the guy in Harlem who smokes marijuana" hahaha

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Posted by: Nick_S Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List
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Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 11:18 pm
Joined: 05 Jan 2005  Posts: 413
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Location: thieveland, bitches.
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as long as the cadiac surgeon on speed only operates on the first day of his bender, its all good...after that, he might just be a little to jittery for the paitents own good.


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